I remember taking my son to get his driver’s license after he turned 16. Ahead of us was a mom and her son. She marched confidently into the DMV, documents in hand, while her son trailed behind like he’d rather be anywhere else.
As someone who has worked with parents of adolescents and college students for years, this wasn’t a shocking moment. But it stuck with me. Why? Because I was in the exact same situation… yet handling it in a completely different way.
My son handled everything himself. I wasn’t “hands off,” but I guided him through the process instead of doing it for him. With encouragement and a little behind-the-scenes coaching, he navigated this big step in his life like a champ.
Fast forward to the day he turned 18 — BAM! Like flipping a switch, I was cut off from all of his medical records. I couldn’t even see when his next appointment was. Sure, I’d gotten the warning notices reminding me this day was coming, but wow… that moment hit different.
And now comes the next major transition: college. We already know that once our students arrive on campus, we’ll be cut off from much of their academic world. But the big question is: Where do we draw the line as parents? When do we stop doing things for them?
The truth? Ideally, this process started years ago. Building independence and confidence should be gradual. But many parents are still figuring it out — and that’s okay. Whether you’ve always taken a backseat or just recently decided to stop doing all the things, every family lands somewhere on the parenting spectrum. Here’s a look at what that might look like.
1. “Hands Off”
“This is on them. I have no idea how to help them, so I’m staying out of it.”
- The Good:
They get a crash course in adulting — fast. Independence, problem-solving, and real-life skills are born. - The Bad:
They may miss key deadlines or become overwhelmed without a support net. - The Ugly:
FAFSA? Nope. Housing? Missed it. Orientation? What’s that? They start off behind and stay behind.
2. “I’ll Just Do It for Them”
“I’ll take care of the college application, FAFSA, dorm shopping…everything.”
- The Good:
Deadlines get met. Things run smoothly on the surface. - The Bad:
They arrive at college with no idea how to do anything for themselves. - The Ugly:
When real-life hits (roommate drama, class scheduling, adulting), they shut down or call you in a panic.
3. “Kicking the Can Down the Road”
“I did this part for him, but he’ll handle the next one.”
- The Good:
You’re trying to find balance. It feels fair — temporarily. - The Bad:
The next part never gets done. And you do more than you planned. - The Ugly:
You slowly end up doing it all. Again. Frustration builds on both sides.
4. “I’m Here for You as Needed”
“Let’s figure this out together. I’m your support, not your manager.”
- The Good:
A collaborative approach builds trust and confidence. - The Bad:
They may rely on you too much and stop trying to solve things themselves. - The Ugly:
You’re in the backseat, navigating, while they ignore the directions and drive into a ditch.
5. “Meet Them Where They Are”
“I know this is complex. I’ll let you take the lead but be nearby for support.”
- The Good:
You’re empowering them while still staying connected. - The Bad:
It’s hard to know when to jump in or step back — especially when communication breaks down. - The Ugly:
If they’re completely unmotivated or disorganized, you’re stuck watching the meltdown happen in slow motion.
6. “Do It or Else” Parent
“If you don’t fill out the FAFSA, you’re not going to college.”
- The Good:
Clear boundaries. Real-world consequences. - The Bad:
Fear-based motivation can lead to resentment. - The Ugly:
They shut down. Or worse — they rebel. College becomes a battleground.
7. “We Made Him Sign a Contract”
“We wrote up an agreement and had him sign it.”
- The Good:
Expectations are clear and documented. No surprises. - The Bad:
It can feel like parenting via HR policies. - The Ugly:
They feel like an employee, not a partner in their own life. Resentment builds, and trust weakens.
So… What’s the Right Approach?
Honestly? It depends on your student and your family dynamic. Maybe you land squarely in one category. Or maybe you’re a mashup of a few. That’s okay.
For me, I found the best approach was to stay involved in the planning, but allow my son to take the action. We scheduled time to work through things together — so I wasn’t micromanaging, but I also wasn’t letting him flounder.
Here are a few ways to strike a healthy balance:
- Good:
“Let’s work on that application after dinner tonight?”
(Creates structure and shared accountability.) - Better:
“Would you rather do the scholarship app Saturday after work or Sunday after church?”
(Offers choice within a defined time window.) - Best:
“The deadline is Tuesday. When do you think would be a good time to work on it?”
(Builds ownership and time management skills.)
And let’s be honest — sometimes your student really is clueless. You may have to spell things out for them before handing over the wheel.
“Hey, you’ve got 12-hour shifts next week, and you’re out of town for two days. I know you’ll be exhausted. When do you think you can get your packing done before we leave?”
You’re not micromanaging — you’re helping them see the big picture.
Final Thought:
Cutting the apron strings isn’t about “letting go” of your kid. It’s about shifting the relationship — from doing things for them to doing life with them in a more adult way.
Support. Guide. Encourage. Step back — and watch them grow.
Still Have Questions?
This process can feel overwhelming—but you’re not alone. Whether you’re a student navigating your first year or a parent trying to support from afar, feel free to reach out with questions. 💬
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